you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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