Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
