i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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