just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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