I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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