It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
