I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
