thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
