dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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