the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
