You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
