There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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