you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
