U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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