Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
