My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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