He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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