just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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