nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
