im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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