Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
