You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
