Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
