I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
