ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
