have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
