You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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