How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
