Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
