Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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