what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize