what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
