What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I stole a fireplace last night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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