the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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