he puts the penis in happiness.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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