I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
