well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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