Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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