remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
