Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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