I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize