I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
