fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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