I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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