as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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