Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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