So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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