non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
