Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize