i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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