I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
