just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
