Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
