You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
