what day is it and did you see me today?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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