Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
