Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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