You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
