Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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